Originally published by Wear Your Voice Magazine, December 2020
I’ve recently discovered that a good way to measure personal growth is to listen to the same music you did as a child and teenager; it’ll probably carry a different meaning to you now. The same song that used to make you cry could carry absolutely no weight anymore, because you’ve healed from the pain that once connected you to it. “Pursuit of Happiness (Nightmare)” by recording artist Kid Cudi, was released in 2009 as part of his album, Man on the Moon: The End of Day. At the time of its release I was only a thirteen year old kid who had just begun to show symptoms of what would later be diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder. Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder that consists of manic highs and depressive lows. It is no secret that this album is about Kid Cudi’s battles with depression and substance abuse. I felt raw emotions when I first heard it. It was an anthem for those of us who grew up with mental illnesses that maybe one day we’ll find happiness. 'Pursuit of Happiness' became the song that defined my “coming of age” story, as it played in the background for years, a true Millennial classic.
“I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know
Everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold (hey)
I'll be fine once I get it, get it in, I'll be good”
I’m on the pursuit of happiness… but happiness was a foreign concept to me in my teens and early twenties. I wasn’t certain that I would ever be happy. I never realized how big of an impact that mental illness had on me until recently. Growing up with mental illnesses is traumatizing. It wasn’t until I looked back on the “wild days” of my late teens and early twenties that I came to realize just how much it affected me. Everything that shine ain’t always gold… I appeared to be happy, or at least okay, to the people around me. Stereotypes about people with mental illness say that we can’t function and our lives are a mess. Stereotypes about disabled people say that there is something wrong with us that needs to be fixed. However, our disabilities and/or mental illnesses cannot be “fixed” because there is nothing wrong with us. It took me so long to come to that conclusion.
“Tell me what you know about dreams (dreams)
Tell me what you know about night terrors nothin'
You don't really care about the trials of tomorrow,
Rather lay awake in the bed full of sorrow”
Tell me what you know about dreams… growing up I dreamt of the day that my mental health problems would finally be solved. Unfortunately, that’s not entirely how things work. It wasn’t until I was twenty-one years old that I received a bipolar diagnosis and began taking medications for my symptoms. I thought that moment would be the end of my struggles, but that is just not the case. Finding the right cocktail of medications and the right kind of cognitive therapy is difficult. Even with medication and therapy, manic or depressive symptoms, as well as anxiety, will still occur. Tell me what you know about night terrors… the hardest pill for me to swallow was that there is no “cure” for my troubles, and this will be my reality for the rest of my life. Rather lay awake in the bed full of sorrow… I can’t speak for every person with disabilities and/or chronic illnesses, but for me there was definitely a grieving period for all of the things I wasn’t able to do and might not be able to do in the future, and that’s valid. On the other hand, each and every person on this earth experiences life in a different way, and not everyone is capable of doing everything. The stigma surrounding disabilities hides the fact that just because someone is unable to or struggles with one thing doesn’t mean they can’t excel at other things.
Crush a bit, little bit
Roll it up, take a hit
Feeling lit, feeling right
Two AM, summer night,
Crush a bit, little bit… I avoid my bipolar symptoms and trauma. Roll it up, take a hit… I self-medicate to the point of self-destruction. Feeling lit, feeling light… I party to keep my demons at bay. Two AM, summer night… I am out of control. I was self-destructive because I’m supposed to be a wreck of a human being, or so I thought. Anyone living with a disability and/or chronic illness knows that non-disabled people often feel sorry for us. They assume that because we have disabilities, our lives must really suck. I punished myself for not being able to keep up with my peers in life. However, trying to cope with life while feeling guilty and ashamed is not possible.
People told me slow my roll
I'm screaming out fuck that
I’ma do just what I want
Lookin ahead, no turning back
People told me slow my roll… but slowing down was never part of my plan growing up. I only went faster and faster as I got older. “Live fast, die young” was my motto. When life feels abysmal, like a constant downward spiral, there is no slowing down. It was partially rebellion: rebellion against everything and everyone I had known, rebellion against a society that told me I wasn’t good enough because of my mental illness, rebellion against this crazy life that I had. Lookin ahead, no turning back… the trials and tribulations that I’ve experienced are behind me now. The future is unknown, but the past can never happen again.
My perception of the future was gloomy and hopeful at the same time. Every single day I looked hopefully towards a future where I was finally healthy. I knew that I never wanted to come back to this point, and especially not what I had been through in my young life. Receiving my diagnosis of bipolar disorder at twenty-one years old gave me the answers that I was looking for and ways to help the issues that I was going through. This is my life and I’m the only one who can make the most out of it, regardless of my situation.
If I fall if I die
Know I lived it to the fullest
If I fall if I die
Know I lived and missed some bullets
Bipolar disorder can be a deadly disease for many different reasons. According to research, it has been estimated that between 25-60% of individuals with Bipolar disorder will attempt suicide at least once in their lifetime, and between 4-19% will complete suicide (Frank et. al. 2010). It is a very debilitating disorder that leaves people absolutely drained from the ups and downs. Researchers have also observed a reduced life expectancy for people diagnosed with severe mental illness(es) due to increased likelihood of developing somatic health problems (Anderson et. al. 2019).
If I fall, if I die, know I lived it to the fullest… people like me with severe mental illnesses are aware that it just might kill them one day. Life is especially harsh; although, some days are better than others. We do the best that we can with what we have at the time, and hope that it’s enough to see another day. If I fall, if I die, know I lived and missed some bullets… regardless of my chronic illnesses, I can manage to live a full life.
I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know
Everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold (hey)
I'll be fine once I get it, get it in, I'll be good
I’m on the pursuit of happiness… at twenty-four years old this song made me cry tears of joy. I never realized just how far I’ve come, and how happiness is not only attainable for me, but I was genuinely experiencing it now. We’re all searching for happiness, but for some people, happiness may be a little harder to find.
For those of us who grew up with disabilities or chronic illnesses, happiness may have felt like a distant dream. I struggled with school, extra-curriculars, family, friends, and taking care of myself in general. I tried my best to keep my mental illnesses contained so that they wouldn’t affect others, but that’s just not realistic or fair. I’ll be fine once I get it, I’ll be good… now I know that being mentally ill doesn’t make me a burden, and that I deserve support just like anyone else. I deserve love just like anyone else. There is nothing wrong with the way that I am, and I am finally happy.
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